Ngiler.

I’ve always watched you from afar. Half of me loves you and other half detests that I love you because You. Are. Beautiful. Beautiful to everyone. You’re one of those people that smiles that smile and “Oh! My! God! JPG’s RTW collection – AMAZING!” and I just sit there engulfed by you – all of you. Everyone is engulfed by all of you and everyone loves being around you. I realise then that God… It would be great to be you.

Then I start to feel pretty shit about being me – Jen Pitch- and how easy it seems to be for people like you who smile that smile with that twinkle in your eye to move onto the next big thing. Thing, person, song, whatever.  I always feel like I’m a hop, skip, jump behind.

But… I start to remember your track record; your old friends don’t coincide with present friends and I start to wonder why? Like me, do they all just feel… behind? A hop, skip or jump away? Or is it that nothing has really changed? The sex and drugs. The music. The bullshit art-talk that just goes nowhere but circles. Talk is great and all – and believe me I can talk but that constant clack-clack-clacking that seems to come out of your mouth? And your friends’ mouths? It’s the sound of static. Talk talk talk clack clack all I want to do is put my headphones in and listen to music that’s not cool enough for you which makes it so much cooler than you could ever be.

I don’t talk in circles. But my relationships with people are in circles. We grow together and love together and experience together and most importantly… they’re the same friends I’ve had for decades. Ups and downs, fights and makeups. Your relationships are straight lines. They start somewhere… and boy, do you have fun with that clack clack clacking about JPG and the silhouettes of Isogawa or the music of M.I.A but then they end. The straight line stops. Because someone gets bored of the circular static; the talks and promises of things. At the end, people want more than talk.

So I look at me. I certainly am not as beautiful as you. I don’t smile that smile. I don’t have that twinkle in my eye. People are not engulfed by me. But the relationships I keep are ones that last.

And then I realise that I feel pretty good about being me.

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