The last few months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me.
Last year in September, I had a very uncomfortable and creepy experience with a man I met on AdultFriendFinder. I won’t get into it here since I’ve been replaying the story quite a lot recently trying to make sense of it all in my head, but here is the video I made all about the experience and the lack of respect I received:
When it first happened, I didn’t do anything about it because I had befriended another boy who became an amazing close friend that I would have regular casual sex with.
But that friendship ended over a month ago, and I am completely single again.
This, plus the fact that my little sister/housemate has left to Europe for at least four-ish months has left me feeling very, very, very anxious.
I have always been good at internalising, and I don’t tend to stay sad for very long. I come from a family that believes in getting up off your arse and getting on with it, and that is what I’ve been doing. But the friendship that I lost a few months ago, the event that took place last year and my sister leaving have all been too much for my body, it seems. I missed my period last month (I’m on the pill and it’s usually like clockwork), my face has broken out in a few spots (my skin has been flawless since my early twenties), my nails are breaking and peeling, and I’ve experienced lightheadedness. Oh, and getting out of bed in the mornings is just a bitch.
Last Friday, I wondered if I was having a heart attack since the symptoms women present with can be quite different to that of the usual tingling arm and pain in the chest that men tend to feel. My neck hurt, my lungs were slightly burning although I hadn’t done any exercise and my vision was a little blurry. I’ve been to the doctor who took blood and is going to do some tests. I should know by the middle of next week if there is something other than stress that is causing all these weird things to happen.
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I really don’t mind being single. I thought I would find it harder. Unfortunately, with this new-found singleness comes the realisation that the next man I meet could possibly be a person who will violate me. Perhaps the odds are very slim, since I’ve met up with a lot of men and only one of them turned out to be a totally fucking creep who didn’t understand the word “No”, but now, to me, the chances feel so much greater.
I don’t know why I feel the need to blog about this; perhaps it’s more to do with just getting it all out as well as trying to get into the habit of blogging again.