Anxiety

The last few months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me.

Last year in September, I had a very uncomfortable and creepy experience with a man I met on AdultFriendFinder. I won’t get into it here since I’ve been replaying the story quite a lot recently trying to make sense of it all in my head, but here is the video I made all about the experience and the lack of respect I received:

When it first happened, I didn’t do anything about it because I had befriended another boy who became an amazing close friend that I would have regular casual sex with.

But that friendship ended over a month ago, and I am completely single again.

This, plus the fact that my little sister/housemate has left to Europe for at least four-ish months has left me feeling very, very, very anxious.

I have always been good at internalising, and I don’t tend to stay sad for very long. I come from a family that believes in getting up off your arse and getting on with it, and that is what I’ve been doing. But the friendship that I lost a few months ago, the event that took place last year and my sister leaving have all been too much for my body, it seems. I missed my period last month (I’m on the pill and it’s usually like clockwork), my face has broken out in a few spots (my skin has been flawless since my early twenties), my nails are breaking and peeling, and I’ve experienced lightheadedness. Oh, and getting out of bed in the mornings is just a bitch.

Last Friday, I wondered if I was having a heart attack since the symptoms women present with can be quite different to that of the usual tingling arm and pain in the chest that men tend to feel. My neck hurt, my lungs were slightly burning although I hadn’t done any exercise and my vision was a little blurry. I’ve been to the doctor who took blood and is going to do some tests. I should know by the middle of next week if there is something other than stress that is causing all these weird things to happen.

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I really don’t mind being single. I thought I would find it harder. Unfortunately, with this new-found singleness comes the realisation that the next man I meet could possibly be a person who will violate me. Perhaps the odds are very slim, since I’ve met up with a lot of men and only one of them turned out to be a totally fucking creep who didn’t understand the word “No”, but now, to me, the chances feel so much greater.

I don’t know why I feel the need to blog about this; perhaps it’s more to do with just getting it all out as well as trying to get into the habit of blogging again.

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I was not prepared for that.

Life has a way of kicking you in the balls sometimes, especially when you think you’re finally over someone.

Seeing my ex again made me think about the past – something I’m trying to not do – but hey… that’s something that I have to work on. It’s all about growth, man. ONWARDS!

 

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PROJECT SPARK.

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that I record videos for a collaborative Youtube channel called The Realvolution. The four other members and I talk about body acceptance, fat activism, self acceptance and other topics to do with the idea of bettering ourselves and helping to encourage others to better themselves too.

For the month of January, we had to give ourselves a goal that we wanted to commit to, and every week we would talk about it and show the viewers our progress.

My main goals were to get back to using the internet as a way to chronicle my life on a deeper level than I had for the past 4 years. I’m excited and anxious, but it’s been really difficult to find that inspiration to blog and videoblog again. I just couldn’t figure out why it was so difficult for me, especially since journaling online was something I had been doing since around 2000.

 

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Gratitude.

Sometimes, as we all know, we have really shit days.

One thing goes wrong at the beginning of my day and then the next thing I know, everything is spiralling downward so fast that I’m breaking down in the middle of the grocery store aisle where the pasta sauces are kept.

In retrospect, I realise now that the more I react negatively to the bad things in my life, the more bad things happen. Negativity begets negativity. It’s a horrible thing, I know – but it’s completely true. So what do I do to get myself out of the spiral?

When you find yourself in this situation, I think it helps to realise that, even on the shittiest day you’ve experienced, there is always something positive that happened as well- no matter how miniscule. So, I am now trying to get into the habit of searching for these moments. 

If you’ve been following my Instagram, you’ll know that I’ve become a bit of a Filofax nut. At least once a week, I write a Gratitude Post to try to remember the good times I’ve had. Sometimes the things I’m thankful may seem insignificant (eg. getting a great parking spot at work, meeting a stranger who just treated me nicely, etc.), but it doesn’t matter because it’s not so much about the good experience I had but more about making a habit of looking for something positive during my day. Doing this always  - without a doubt – pulls me out of my funk.

If you’re someone like me how tends to spiral out of control when things go wrong, try this and see if it helps.

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Grabbing 2014 by the balls.

This may sound weird to any person who has followed my online life for the past 5 years or so, but I seem to have forgotten how to blog. Or maybe it’s not that I’ve forgotten how to blog… I think it’s more that I can’t seem to think of anything to blog about.

And it’s stressing me out, y’all. :(

I never thought this would ever happen to me. Blogging came so naturally just 5 years ago. I used to have topics coming out of my butt. But now I feel like sitting down to write a post is so difficult that I just… gave up.

For the past few days I’ve been doing some research on how to blog, and the main thing all the blog-tippers (tip-givers?) say is to write about what you’re passionate about. To be honest, I feel like I’ve lost a bit of passion and that is the crux of my blogging issues. I don’t know how it all started… And at this point, it doesn’t matter. I want 2014 to be about moving forward in anticipation, not looking back in regret and sadness.

SO THAT’S IT!

My blog – for the time being – will be all about moving forward while trying to be positive, patient, and – more than anything – not talking bitterly about the shit things that happened in 2013.

Here goes nothing.

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2013

What a year.

I can’t even begin to describe how happy I am that 2013 has ended and we are onto a new year that is going to be bigger and better than ever.

2013 was a rollercoaster of emotions and events, and I’m not going to lie… about 70% of the year was down right absolutely and completely terrible.

Breaking up with Brett was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever endured. It’s hard to put into words what we went through without turning the whole thing into a rant full of 1) hateful, 2) sad, 3) pathetic, 4) really really really hateful words.

Enough. No more negativity. Not in this post, anyway.

The best parts about 2013 were few and far between, but they were so wonderfully magical that most of the bad parts were completely overshadowed.

I just want to thank all the people who made me smile during such a taxing year. You guys saved me. Really.

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Musings about NYC.

I spent almost 2 weeks in New York and I’m finding it very difficult to talk about it. I can’t seem to explain this city to people if they haven’t been there before. Sure – people have an idea of what the city is like visually, thanks to the help of movies and tv shows. But anyone who has ever spent at least a few days in New York City just gets the way this city feels. I can sit there and talk to people, using my hands to describe it since all the words I try to think of – magical, chaotic, intense, scary, loud, spiritual, etc – are true, yes, but they still just don’t convey the utter madness that is New York. And so, all I can really say, is that I wish I could stay there for at least one year to learn every inch, every dirty little street, every bar and restaurant. I wish I could move to Hell’s Kitchen and learn all the names of all the people in the local corner shops I frequent. And, most of all, I wish I could just spend every weekend at Bethesda Fountain in Central Park, sitting on a bench staring at the Angel of the Water and counting my lucky stars for being able to be introduced to this magical, chaotic, intense, scary, loud, spiritual, etc city.

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Traveling while fat.

It doesn’t matter where I’m going or how long the flight is; I cannot stand traveling by plane. I hate the entire experience – immigration, waiting rooms, baggage claims. I especially hate the fact that I’m always chosen for a “random” security check. What – is it the tattoos and piercings?

Being fat puts a whole other spin on the ordeal too, and all of my concerns have been brought to the surface with my trip to the USA next month.

//// Luggage Weight
Yep – being fat means needing more fabric to cover our bodies, which in turn means a single item of clothing can be double or even triple the weight of the average thin person’s. When I look at my little sister’s medium sized suitcase and how I have to have a large suitcase just to fit the same amount of stuff in, I have to admit that it gets frustrating. When airlines have a 23 kg limit, and I have to bring toiletries, cosmetics and even hair appliances (it takes a lot of effort to make this girl look good!) there’s a very good chance I’m going to have to pay the overweight luggage fee if I plan on buying anything while on holiday.

//// Plane seats
I have been very very fortunate to have been able to travel on premium economy and business class whenever I’ve had to do a long-haul flight. In fact, I can only remember ever sitting in economy for a flight over 7 hours long in 2000 when I was visiting my godparents in Hamburg and I was only a size 16-18 then so it wasn’t such a terrible experience.

I was hoping to fly on Qantas to New York because my parents are frequent flyer members and I wanted them to upgrade me. But to purchase an upgradeable ticket costs AUD3500. And – after forking out that ridiculous amount of money – you may end up stuck in economy anyway because you don’t know whether actually get to upgrade your seat until a few days before your flight. Lame, Qantas. Really lame.

So, this time, I’m flying Cathay Pacific. Economy. Eight hours to Hong Kong and then 16 hours to New York. And to be honest with you, readers… I am so dreading the flights that I’ve had a bit of a cry about it already.

I am a size 22. I need a seatbelt extender. I am not at all embarrassed about needing one; I am completely fine with requesting one loud enough for other people to hear. But, as I’m sure you can all deduce… if you need a seatbelt extender there’s very high chance that the armrest digs into your sides and some of your belly may even spill over a little. I can handle this for about 6 hours but anything more and it becomes torture… because when you spill over the armrests you can imagine just how limited your attempts at getting comfortable are. You can’t put your legs up, you can’t turn and sleep sideways.. you’re basically doomed to sit upright for the entire flight.

//// Bathrooms
I can fit quite comfortably in the cubicles. But as soon as I need to do something that goes outside of the usual standing straight, bending over to pull my knickers down, or sitting down manoeuvres, things get tricky. I mean, even trying to put a tampon in can be a huge acrobatic feat. Last time this happened, I knocked my elbow so hard against the wall of the bathroom that I had an attendant banging on the door to make sure I hadn’t collapsed inside!

//// Lack of Sleep
The rest of the above issues wouldn’t be so bad if I could just fall asleep on the plane. But I can’t. I think the longest I’ve ever slept on a plane is about 3 hours. So I always try to keep myself busy by writing, reading and watching a tonne of movies. My iPad will be choc full of entertainment. And thank God Cathay Pacific is equipped with charging docks in economy.

So, do any of you have any tips on making a long-haul flight more comfortable especially when it comes to sleep?

Please let me know. You could save me a lot of tears, believe me!

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Concrete jungle where dreams are made! oh!

That’s right, friends. I’m so excited because I’m going on a trip to the USA!

Since visiting New York in 2011, it has been a dream of mine to travel back to the Big Apple. And- within a matter of two weeks- I made a decision to go, purchased tickets, booked accommodation and am now preparing myself to go back for New York Full Figured Fashion Week. It’s going to be a week of incredible fashion, lots of sexy fat ladies, and amazing clothes shopping.

I’m so excited about this trip that I’ve already started a mental list of things I need to do, what I need to bring, and who I want to catch up with (note: the Aussie Curves girls!)

Seriously… no words can successfully convey how I feel about revisiting that magical place.

More notes to come as I continue preparing. :)

Featured image taken from: www.newyorkpersonalinjuryattorneyblog.com

 

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Year of the Water Snake.

Scorpio’s horoscope for the year of the water snake
It’s a progressive year for you, Scorpio. 2013 is bright with intrigue, knowledge, growth and transformation. Past work can be fruitful this year. Imagination flows, ideas are creative and life is bright with potential. Trends turn to elegance, culture, travel and sensuality. It’s a renaissance year, and you’re in your element.
In the Year of the Water Snake, you’re a smooth operator. Your passionate nature finds expression, and your Water element flows in harmony with that of the graceful Snake year. The Snake’s fixed element, Fire, stirs ambition and motivation, balanced by reason and rationale. You can make swift steady progress in 2013.

You’re tenacious, hard-working and independent. Your survival skills are keen. You can move the earth to get what you want, but it’s usually not necessary. Your charismatic charm can melt even the coldest heart. Your capacity for self-expression is enormous. You love deeply and passionately. You have an offbeat and sometimes cynical sense of humor, a vigorous sex drive and remarkable eyes.

Your intuition is usually accurate. You have colorful dreams and a rich imagination. The past is important to you. Your powers of healing and recuperation are good. You have a unique and multi-faceted life philosophy. You’re a complex thinker, but can be prone to worry, obsession or anxiety. You may have a fiery temper. You can be overly suspicious, and sometimes just plain paranoid. You have an infuriating stubborn streak.

Your desire for knowledge is unquenchable. You value honesty. You’re a caring lover, spouse and/or parent. Whatever you do, you do with all your heart. In the 2013 Year of the Snake, new paths of success appear, and blessings of joy come your way. It’s a year to solve problems and achieve goals. Desires are within reach, and beauty sparkles around you.

Planets in Scorpio 2013
Until 2018: Saturn (authority, work, domination, hidden power)
Sept 10 2013 – Oct 7 2013: Venus (love, beauty, truth, grace)
Sept 29 2013 – Dec 4 2013: Mercury (communication, self-expression, intellect, commerce)
Oct 21 2013 – Nov 10 2013: Mercury retrograde (problems: communication, money, technology)

Love, Romance and Relationships
Love is always an adventure with Scorpio. Romance, creativity and courtship thrive in the Year of the Snake. Sensuality is elegant and cerebral. Dating, casual flings and erotic exploration flourish. Short-term relationships come and go, but some may evolve into deeper and more complex partnerships. If you’re single, this is a good year for experimental dating and open-minded fun.

If you’re seeking your soulmate, you may cross paths with this person later in the year. However, the Snake is full of surprises. Your soulmate could appear unexpectedly, right in front of you. You may have known this person in the past, and you share many common goals.

If you’re married or in a relationship, it’s a promising year. Partnerships are blessed with harmony and success. Sex is intimate, passionate, imaginative and quite naughty. A significant change, such as a move, addition to the family or job/career development could influence your relationship this year.

You may have some emotional flare-ups, as Scorpio is the most passionate of the zodiac signs, but the Snake year is good for healing and resolution. Relationships can become stronger. Beware of jealousy and trust issues, as you can be particularly venomous this year if you feel your emotional security compromised. Vengeful thinking can be disastrous. In general, however, the Snake year brings a sense of balance and growth.

*Weddings, marriage: the 2013 Year of the Snake is a Widow Year.
Best months for love and romance: February, March, May, September, October, November
Worst months for love and romance: June, July

Money and Career
Income is fluid and abundant in Year of the Water Snake. Scorpio has a knack for making money. Be careful that income does not flow out just as quickly, however, as frivolous purchases can add up. 2013 is lucky for financial growth, debt resolution and steady progress. Avoid major expenditures unless preceded by careful planning. Strategy works in your favor.

2013 is not lucky for gambling for any of the signs (unless you happen to own the casino!). Beware of impulse or speculation. Seek quality and longevity, and take time to examine the facts. You could get a sum of money or material gain this year through a past investment, lottery win, gift, sweepstakes or contest win, grant or settlement. Income is likely to increase this year, as the Snake sparkles with money and prosperity.

Self-employment and entrepreneurship are favorable this year, and you have a good head for business. Your sense of focus is extraordinary, and your determination to succeed will get you over any rough spots. Your independent nature is well-suited to self-employment, although you may have some difficulty sticking to a budget, and might have to cultivate your accounting skills. Keep your goals realistic, and your plans will be fruitful.

If you’re seeking work, your chances of finding satisfactory employment are very good this year, as the Water Snake brings abundant income opportunities. You could experiment with different types of employment before settling into one channel. Occupations that may interest you include entertainment, photography, administrative occupations, management, university occupations, engineering and technology, writing and literature, travel, hospitality, veterinary science or animal care, forestry or active public sector work such as firefighting or law enforcement. You’re not very tolerant of sedentary or desk work.

You usually get what you want, Scorpio, and job advancement has great potential this year. It’s a good time to ask for a promotion, raise or increase in benefits. You can express yourself with eloquence, and could easily see an elevation of job status in the Snake year.

Best months for money and career: April, May, July, September, October, December
Worst months for money and career: February, January 2014

Health and Happiness
You’re fairly health-aware. Your health is likely to be stable this year, as the Snake brings balance and healing on physical, emotional and spiritual levels. Health information increases, and your natural attunement to the needs of your body is heightened. Watch out for warning signs such as fatigue or emotional issues, and be sure to resolve minor health problems as they occur. Do not procrastinate.

Sinus and bronchial issues could arise. You may be prone to illness during the cold and flu season, but you bounce back quickly if you take time to rest and heal. Rest and rejuvenation is vital in the Snake year. Beware of excess tension in the back, neck, shoulders and jaw. Avoid fast foods, processed food and empty calories. With your eclectic palate, you don’t need that junk anyway.

Strive for a balance of three – mind, body and spirit. Exercise and activity are important to you and you may enjoy outdoor pursuits such as walking, kayaking, mountaineering or cycling. Your physical grace is enhanced in the Snake year. Basic stretching, dance, horseback riding and t’ai chi are good for you. You may have less patience for exercises such as meditation, as your mind tends toward activity, but try it anyway.

If you’re a woman who does not want to get pregnant, be sure your birth control is up to date. The fertile Snake year could bring some surprises. If you want to get pregnant, this is a lucky year for you.

Your lucky colors for health and happiness this year include purple, indigo, magenta, earthy shades of orange, cream, pure white, black, charcoal gray, airy yellow, all shades of blue, aquamarine, cyan, sea green and other tropical hues, cool greens, gold and silver tones, scarlet (in moderation) and brick red. Vibrant tones bring inspiration and activity, while earthy tones are conducive to stability and inner serenity.

Best months for health: March, April, June, September, November, December
Worst months for health: August, October

from Happy Wishing Well

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The dreaded ‘W’ word: Jen’s reply.

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The dreaded ‘W’ word.

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