Humbug.

Tomorrow, I fly to Jakarta to spend Christmas with my family. Well, a fraction of my family. My older sister is travelling with her family in Switzerland, while my little sister decided to visit Jakarta for about 4 days but thought it was best to leave before Christmas.

My older sister has her own family now, so I’m completely fine with her not being in town. I mean, she has her husband and his family to also take into consideration. But my little sister?

I guess I feel quite abandoned. On Christmas day, I will wake up to just my parents, which I am so thankful for but I also just wish we were all younger so we could celebrate together again.

I am feeling extremely humbug this year.

I still don’t think it’s inappropriate.

Tell me – is it strange for a woman to hold the crook of her male platonic friend’s elbow to show platonic affection? No?

Is it inappropriate if the woman is single but the man is in a relationship?

What about if the man and woman had had sex years earlier? Like, over 5 years ago?

Poly

I seem to be one of those people who attract men in open/poly relationships. I guess it’s because I’m open minded about the lifestyle and can  – for the most part – see myself being part of it too.

It definitely didn’t work the first time I tried it, mainly because I put so much pressure on my partners and never fully trusted them.

I’m currently seeing a boy who is married. I have met his wife – don’t worry; so she definitely knows about me. It was so awkward meeting her and I think she accepts me. I do feel tension, though, but I think that’s more my own anxiety being projected onto this very new adventure. This time around, being an additional partner to an already established relationship is different to the other failed poly attempts I’ve experienced with my own past main partners. This current arrangement has been really good for me because I wasn’t there first, so I don’t feel possessive.

Coming into polyamory from this angle will be helpful, I think. It means that my relationship with A is not threatened when I date other men, and hopefully, when A starts seeing other women, I will feel confident in our relationship that it won’t affect me so much.

I’m still very used to the idea of being in a monogamous relationship; I know that type of partnership would totally work for me, but I also love the idea of having this open partnership where we can both be in love with multiple people and still be happy for each other. This happiness is called “compersion” in the poly community, and it’s the hardest part of polyamory, I think.

It hasn’t been easy in the slightest, but I’m learning a lot about myself, especially my pride! Love doesn’t have to be limited to one person if you don’t want it to.